So here I am two years down the track after leaving my former full-time employer. It\u2019s been a rough journey and it\u2019s still not over. I suppose the positive of it is that I\u2019m still here. I use \u201csuppose\u201d because there\u2019s been times that I\u2019ve been pretty unsure about that. I\u2019ve definitely felt like there\u2019s no point to living several times over this last two years, but fortunately (and I say that with at least some degree of \u201ctongue in cheek\u201d) that\u2019s the level at which it\u2019s stayed; still a \u201cpassing\u201d thought that I don\u2019t let take root. At this stage I can still entertain hope that things will change for the better. There\u2019s been some points at where things have looked quite grim yet I\u2019ve managed to deal with them somehow, help arriving from unexpected quarters. Things need to get better I couldn\u2019t hang on like this for another 40 years, but hope\u2019s not been entirely extinguished in me yet.<\/p>\n
I feel like I\u2019m almost starting over from where I was two years ago in many ways; I\u2019m sure that\u2019s not<\/strong> the case, but some days it\u2019s hard to see it any other way. The difficulty is increased now though by my inability at the moment to picture<\/em> a better future. That hinders motivation, which the lack of in itself makes picturing<\/em> a better future difficult. A perpetual cycle of nothingness and inaction. I find my vision<\/em> fading: not my sight, but my vision<\/em> of a future and better situation. That\u2019s the disturbing part of where I\u2019m at currently, like there\u2019s no space for me in the future, no matter which direction I look. I\u2019m hoping that\u2019s not the case and most days hope is all I\u2019ve got. Certainly there\u2019s no extraneous phenomena helping to break down that bleak outlook. I\u2019m glad I still have my two furbags, they manage to bring a smile to my face most days. I\u2019m pretty sure things would be a lot different without them. The value of pets with regard to Depression should never<\/em> be underestimated. Food & a cardboard box or six seems to be all they ask in return.<\/p>\n Although at times I\u2019m beginning to question if my choice to come off the Anti-depressants (AD\u2019s) was well timed, it\u2019s done and I\u2019ve committed to giving it a good shot before conceding a return to being back on them. That said, I\u2019ve been able to action some things that I couldn\u2019t seem to get sorted while being on the AD\u2019s. Only a bit more time will tell on that one. At the worst they\u2019re on top of the fridge and I can easily start back on them without the effort of having to go get another script filled. I might be housebound a lot of the time, but at least I have a month\u2019s worth on hand and even my worst levels of motivation won\u2019t stop me from reaching to the top of the fridge and start taking them again. As I mentioned in a previous entry I was a least prepared when I came off them to have them on hand if necessary. They\u2019re still there, in reach if required. I\u2019ve re-engaged with a Psychologist, yet another one as my last one has also retired, that\u2019s the second one to retire on me over the last 2 years. Good planning on their part I\u2019d have to concede.<\/p>\n Financially things are a mess, but I\u2019m scraping by most weeks. I could last another six months if I have to in my current situation and the financials don\u2019t change for the better. If I resolve this situation with my creditors as I hope, twelve months is quite likely. Things do<\/em> have to change in the future, but not drastically within the next week. Breathing space for a while.<\/p>\n That\u2019s not to say that there haven\u2019t been positive changes over these last two years: I\u2019ve adopted vegetarianism, I\u2019ve lost twelve kilograms (another five would be great), I\u2019ve witnessed some wonderful support from my friends and family, financially I\u2019m repositioning for the better. Once I have a better income again I\u2019ll be in a hugely better position over time.<\/p>\n But there are still roadblocks. I need to develop a vision<\/em> for the future again though, that\u2019s clearly absolute requirement for my ongoing quality of life. If I can\u2019t develop a new one of those I\u2019ll be unlikely to see another forty years. God who would want to without one for that long? It\u2019s both tiring and debilitating being on a roller coaster ride of feeling as if my nostrils are barely above water, then going under for just long enough to feel the choking reflex, back up for a minute or two then down for the same seemingly ad-infinitum. Something will break eventually.<\/p>\n But it\u2019s all about the choices we\u2019ve made: who and where we are is all about the choices we\u2019ve made that have contributed to, and thus brought us to this point in our lives. It\u2019s unrealistic to not accept that.<\/p>\n However I\u2019m not<\/strong> letting it break today. I\u2019ve promised myself to go easy on myself for the next week, take a few steps back and start at the drawing board (or in my case the white board) again. Perhaps I need an exercise in documenting my resources and at least mapping out any sort of plan. At least a plan that doesn\u2019t work provides options for a new one that may succeed. If I stop trying I guess that marks me out for three quarters dead anyway doesn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n Although most of the above sounds morose and hopeless just getting it out has actually lifted my spirit somewhat, I can see even just looking back a few paragraphs that I\u2019m still able to kindle a spark of hope. The question really is can I foster that to a campfire for the remainder of the journey?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" So here I am two years down the track after leaving my former full-time employer. It\u2019s been a rough journey and it\u2019s still not over. I suppose the positive of it is that I\u2019m still here. I use \u201csuppose\u201d because there\u2019s been times that I\u2019ve been pretty unsure about that. I\u2019ve definitely felt like there\u2019s […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[11,23,3,22,10,8,21],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1597","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-dreams","category-furbag","category-general","category-health","category-house","category-philosophy","category-work"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/m0rg0th.andulain.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1597","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/m0rg0th.andulain.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/m0rg0th.andulain.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/m0rg0th.andulain.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/m0rg0th.andulain.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1597"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/m0rg0th.andulain.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1597\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1598,"href":"https:\/\/m0rg0th.andulain.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1597\/revisions\/1598"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/m0rg0th.andulain.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1597"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/m0rg0th.andulain.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1597"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/m0rg0th.andulain.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1597"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}