• About
  • Archives
  • Categories
  • Archive for the ‘Dreams’ Category

    The Threads of the Mind…


    2016 - 10.05

    The last Twenty Four hours have indicated to me that the predominant factor influencing the increase of Depression I’ve been feeling over the last month is clearly related to my sense of impending financial meltdown. I’ve noticed a positive sense of self increasing since having the call about the Assessment Session tomorrow. I’m hoping therefore that knowing a regular income will improve my outlook and seriously diminish my Depression levels.

    A Taste of Eden…


    2016 - 06.03

    Well here it is, next to the last day in NZ. I’ve been a little moody today, most likely due to the fact I’ve got mixed feelings about leaving, but miss the Furbags and would like a night in a comfortable bed. My Van isn’t the most comfortable, but it’s been all I have for the month. I’ve really enjoyed the month’s focus on shooting, walking and enjoying beautiful scenery and meeting wonderful people.

    I feel my shooting has improved remarkably with the full-time application of myself to it, day in and day out. It’s been easy without the familiar distractions that to often entrap me while home. This escape for a month was exactly what I needed to step out of my Depression. I will be moving off the medication regime very soon after my return.

    I have to say I’m in love with NZ South Island. In fact there’s really no where except one small area that I wouldn’t live quite happily. The people are friendly and still have a very strong sense of community. It’s something that Australians are losing very very quickly. Australians seem to becoming very arrogant over the last decade, and I think this is only noticed when you spend time away from them. We (Australians) have much to learn about dealing with the rest of the world I think.

    Anyway I’m considering very strongly how to move over here. Time frame maybe two years. We shall see. But it’s renewed my inspiration, and my interest in life. Hopefully I can bring such re-invigorated zest back home with me and apply it to life back home.

    From “A” to “X” marks the spot…


    2016 - 05.24

    *Note that this post was meant to have been posted on the 11th May.

    Well here it begins, my first international shoot. At 05:20 I have embarked on my first Photography Shoot overseas. Admittedly it’s New Zealand so not as exotic as some destinations, but it’s a huge start for me.

    I have to say that I’m exhausted already just getting onto the flight. It seems so much more stressful than domestic flying. Anyway I will be sleeping well tonight (I hope); the flight was a little late taking off so I hope I’m still able to pick up my Jucy Van this afternoon.

    I didn’t think I was feeling that excited earlier, admittedly I’m feeling tired, but I confess to now beginning to feel a level of excitement increasing at an increasing pace. At the moment I think it’s mostly about just being completely alone, and able to ignore the banal mainstream struggler that is work, pay bills, try to build my business, work, pay bills etcetera. I know I’m going to miss my Furbags, hopefully they don’t miss me too much: I could not have left them in better hands. I only hope Pat survives the process and they don’t run him ragged playing tricks on him and creating problems for Bob & Jan.

    Although this is a trip for Shards of Arcadia, I am hoping to enjoy myself at the same time. I’ve never had a break like this where I haven’t had to worry about work, not working, just enjoying something I’m passionate about with no immediate time constraints and schedule. I have an itinerary but it’s quite fluid and there are sufficiently activities that are optional if time permits. There’s no real hurry. I unsure how long if ever I’ll get this opportunity again in the short to medium term.

    The “Disorder” of “Multiple Possibilities”…


    2016 - 03.27

    I was watching a TED Talk late one recent evening, and stumbled across one that truly struck home in what may be yet another of my life’s epiphanies. I wonder how many you can be lucky enough to experience? Either way epiphany this idea may very well be for me. It’s the idea of “multiple potentialities. Why does this resonate so strongly for me? It ties in with something once said to me as a young man barely in my Teens. It ties in with something I’ve struggled with most if not all my life.

    I had a teacher who I would say was a cut above the average. By that I mean not only was he genuinely interested in helping young people gain knowledge, he was a keen and shrewd judge of character no doubt developed by his other life experiences prior to coming to teaching. Additionally he recognised and acknowledged the responsibilities that came with his position and influence in the young people he dealt with on a daily basis, often for years, some for over a decade at a time.

    He had noticed that I was in one of my early periods of depression and was in some way reaching out to me: even then he could see that for me, there would be a dark path before reaching the light. Although they didn’t have quite the same level of debilitation accompanying them at that time in my life, such bouts of Depression were clearly noticeable to some then because they spent a lot of time with me. Anyway, he’d come across me in the yard one lunch while he was on yard duty. He could see I was clearly troubled and just basically started chatting in a more casual but candid manner than the standard Teacher to Student. The upshot of which was that while unrecognised by me at that stage, he’d clearly recognised I was confused because already I was experiencing frustration with an education system that wasn’t acknowledging the intellectual being that I was becoming. He could see what I had yet to recognise, and which even later once seen am still just accepting now. The succinctness with which he expressed it still surprises me today.

    It is the following that has stayed with me since that day.

    “Your problem is that you could be anything you set your mind to be, and you have no idea what that means for you other than you’re afloat without a compass,” and slight further on, “no single path will ever satisfy you.”

    The enormity of that statement was lost on me at the time, but the statement itself was not, and for that I’ve always been grateful, although, until now, I’ve never really known why.

    So back to this TED Talk presentation. It’s called Why Some of Us Don’t Have One True Calling.. I sat watch just nodding my head with bells ringing like crazy. I still haven’t quite regained my emotional & mental balance two days after, but I’m getting there. This has opened a whole new mental hallway for me. I’m NOT mediocre, I’m NOT flaky, I’m NOT undisciplined (mostly), I’m just too interested in too many things and too good at a lot of them. I’m NOT a genius, but I’m very damn good at most things I put my mind & hands too! It just seems I’m the last to see this in me.

    Other than the above mentioned discussion, if your interested or wondering more, Start Here.

    Breaking New Ground…


    2016 - 03.09

    Well I’ve been very quiet online lately, but don’t take that for sitting in a bottomless pit of Depression. Take it more as a sign I’m busy.

    I’ve been working hard on consolidation regular work back into my lifestyle, as it’s easy to fall out of the habit when you’ve been off work for a length of time. It doesn’t matter whether that’s due to holidays, long service leave, long illness or unemployment. Being away from that routine for those of us who fundamentally find it an imposition on what we’d rather be doing with our lives, is dangerous. It’s easy to become focussed on different “realities” and practise our days in ways that don’t easily fit that 9 to five routine.

    There’s been a couple of “flat times” but been working out strategies for those days when they happen. I’ve also decided to really push the positivity train from now on, so it’s likely you will receive emails on occasion from me just because I think something is Cheering, Enlightening or just plain wonderful and can lend some positivity to the day of others as well. If you find these emails not to your taste just let me know and I’ll make sure you don’t keep getting them.

    I’ve set up a dedicated Studio at home on a trial basis, moving my bedroom to the spare room. Visitors unfortunately will be relegated to the couch at this point in time (unless you are partial to sharing). The hope is that this will prompt more technical work with the camera and associated gear than sitting in front of the computer using software. It’s time to focus on some technique again, as well as becoming fluent with the equipment I don’t use on every occassion, but will be used more so from this point on. If I find that it’s not achieving positive results after six months, I’m most likely changing back.

    The car is getting a service and I’ve put “hybrid” tyres on it to facilitate more confidence when going into the bush further now than I used to do. There were several times last year when I made the choice to not proceed some places believing the tyres I had unsuitable. Now that shouldn’t be an issue unless I fancy driving in swamps up Cape York with the Crocodiles!

    Creating New Directions by taking Action…


    2015 - 12.28

    Well as the year closes, it’s clear that although I’ve made fantastic progress with rising above my Depression, there’s still work to be done. Work has been difficult to get back into consistently with a combination of physical and psychological hurdles to overcome. Hopefully the New Year gives me a fresh start there. The damage done by my previous work situation is still not completely recovered from and there’s still some residual difficulties. However I’m placing a few new goals, and working towards them.

    As part of moving forward, from both a Psychological & Emotional point of view I’ve also begun planning a photographic working holiday for later in the year which has provided a much needed boost to my overall emotional state. I’m going to visit the South Island of New Zealand for several weeks, and spend that time travelling in a hired van living out of it and photographing in a number places around the Southern Island. I decided that hiring a van and doing it in my own time with an allowance of 3 weeks is plenty of time to see all I want to see in the South Island. I’ve asked someone to accompany me, but I’m still waiting on an answer there, so at this stage it will be by myself as originally planned unless my offer is accepted.

    All the advice I’ve received over the last few years suggests that trying to do both islands at the same time in anything under a month or so is a waste because you can’t spend the time you want to anyway for more than a short time. My thoughts are that with a generous amount of time, I can choose to stop where & when I like and enjoy the island to the maximum while giving myself plenty of time to get the sort of shots I want to bring home. Hopefully some of those shots will also generate some further income for the business.

    Retrospective and Looking Forward…


    2015 - 11.14

    Well as it gets further & further away in time from being at my old workplace, I realise how lucky I was to make the choice to leave when I did. I’m also very lucky in that I have friends willing to help me get through the few months between leaving and getting well enough to go back to work. In speaking to someone from my old workplace today, they remarked “how chipper” I sounded, to which of course I had to answer the truth, “…well I wasn’t working at that place anymore”! Simple but true. Leaving was the final significant action I had to make to break the cycle and step out and regain my life. Now I’ve a new job, new vision, new life, and new found zest for life. I have dreams, and the capacity to work towards achieving them.

    This morning I managed one step closer, after selling my first print from my new Online Store. Certainly I’m not retiring on the proceeds, but it’s a step towards opening that door. So while I was getting the print done for sale, I was also getting a couple of others done that I’d wanted for myself. I’m very happy with the results for all of them.

    Outside of that, nothing much further to report.

    Seeing Through the Veils of the Mind…


    2015 - 09.18

    Well I can see it’s been several weeks since the last update. That’s not indicative of a Depressive Relapse, it just means I’ve been very busy lately. It seems that the days are just flying by now with not enough time in the day to get done all I want to get done. It is quite amazing how it’s so like coming out of a fog, and the days are becoming bright, vibrant and nourishing in a strange but welcome way. I’ve not had a serious bout of Depression since Mid-July and despite money being tight, and the bills still coming in I’ve managed to stay afloat with the generous help of friends and family.

    Today I’ve had word that there will be some work coming up for me in a few weeks, requiring only the need to jump through some hoops for a bit of paper work and I should have some part-time work very soon. I am looking forward to feeling more financially independent again, but things have had to go the way they’ve gone to get where I am now: feeling Happy and managing the Depression very well at this stage.

    The Furbags think it’s been fantastic having me here home at their beckoned call for so long. Unfortunately I’ve had to endure much saving of Lizards, Beetles, Birds, and other gifts of appreciation. Still they’ve been very helpful for getting me through; they are both a source of much joy and amusement.

    I’m hoping to put quite a bit of effort into my Photography and really start getting the business off the ground over the next 6 months. Fortunately now it looks like I will have part-time work to help fund my attempt. I’ve not got my tax return notice yet to know if any money is coming back to me this year, but hopefully I will get something back. Anything to put towards the upcoming regular bills I have at this time of year will be most welcome. As it is, things are good.

    As an aside I’ve managed to blow my Internet Quota for the first time EVER! I guess that must mean I’ve been home more than I should surfing photography blogs!

    A Resolution of Sorts…


    2014 - 12.27

    Well into the last gasp of 2014 now, and within a few days it will be 2015! I’m looking forward to this year in a lot of ways. This will be the year I am positioning myself to break out of my Depressive Cycle. I have a plan to deal with the occupational aspects contributing to my Depression, and I’m well on the way to making more significant strides in the aspects outside of work.

    In many ways they’ve proved easier to make the ground in, due to my capacity to make a huge difference from my side. Work is more complicated than that, and my input has far less impact. However, as I said there’s a plan in motion, with a 6 to 12 month timeframe there. I’m looking forward to that starting to take substance!

    A New Hope…


    2014 - 12.06

    Well the last few weeks have been hard! Depression has been eating away at me again. At least this time I’ve managed to use my recovery process for it to spur me on to do some things I’ve been wanting to do! I’ve put in quite a bit of effort at trying to generate an income from my photography, updating Shards of Arcadia, creating an Etsy shop ShardsOfArcadia, setting some wheels in motion for other aspects of the business that may allow me to work part-time or even provide income enough to see me retire. I’ve even registered the domains ShardsOfArcadia.com & .net. I’m not yet ready to load up there, but it’s mine if I’m going to use it later.

    Anyway it’s provided motivation where there’s been none, and hopefully some future hope!