Archive for the ‘Dreams’ Category

Raindrops keep fallin’…

Sunday, February 3rd, 2019

Lately I’ve been pondering the origins of my love for the rain. Just when I started to be come enamoured of listening, being caught in, going out in, and generally just experiencing rain is something I’m unable to put my finger on, although some of my earliest memories are of enjoying rain.

Memories such as looking out the window on a rainy winter day and enjoying just listening to it and watching it fall. Others are of being out in it under a tree, waiting for it to lessen enough for me to be able to walk in it without getting drenched through. Or dashing through it when I was only 10 or 20 metres from my destination and the excitement of getting out of it, yet not. For me the rain seems only to have positive memories.

Rain just revitalises plant and animal alive.

During the day or during the night, inside or outside walking in it. Yes there are times it’s cold and miserable if there’s a howling wind, but despite all else it still tells you that you’re alive.

Beautiful and mysterious.

I really do love rain.

Two Years On…

Friday, July 14th, 2017

So here I am two years down the track after leaving my former full-time employer. It’s been a rough journey and it’s still not over. I suppose the positive of it is that I’m still here. I use “suppose” because there’s been times that I’ve been pretty unsure about that. I’ve definitely felt like there’s no point to living several times over this last two years, but fortunately (and I say that with at least some degree of “tongue in cheek”) that’s the level at which it’s stayed; still a “passing” thought that I don’t let take root. At this stage I can still entertain hope that things will change for the better. There’s been some points at where things have looked quite grim yet I’ve managed to deal with them somehow, help arriving from unexpected quarters. Things need to get better I couldn’t hang on like this for another 40 years, but hope’s not been entirely extinguished in me yet.

I feel like I’m almost starting over from where I was two years ago in many ways; I’m sure that’s not the case, but some days it’s hard to see it any other way. The difficulty is increased now though by my inability at the moment to picture a better future. That hinders motivation, which the lack of in itself makes picturing a better future difficult. A perpetual cycle of nothingness and inaction. I find my vision fading: not my sight, but my vision of a future and better situation. That’s the disturbing part of where I’m at currently, like there’s no space for me in the future, no matter which direction I look. I’m hoping that’s not the case and most days hope is all I’ve got. Certainly there’s no extraneous phenomena helping to break down that bleak outlook. I’m glad I still have my two furbags, they manage to bring a smile to my face most days. I’m pretty sure things would be a lot different without them. The value of pets with regard to Depression should never be underestimated. Food & a cardboard box or six seems to be all they ask in return.

Although at times I’m beginning to question if my choice to come off the Anti-depressants (AD’s) was well timed, it’s done and I’ve committed to giving it a good shot before conceding a return to being back on them. That said, I’ve been able to action some things that I couldn’t seem to get sorted while being on the AD’s. Only a bit more time will tell on that one. At the worst they’re on top of the fridge and I can easily start back on them without the effort of having to go get another script filled. I might be housebound a lot of the time, but at least I have a month’s worth on hand and even my worst levels of motivation won’t stop me from reaching to the top of the fridge and start taking them again. As I mentioned in a previous entry I was a least prepared when I came off them to have them on hand if necessary. They’re still there, in reach if required. I’ve re-engaged with a Psychologist, yet another one as my last one has also retired, that’s the second one to retire on me over the last 2 years. Good planning on their part I’d have to concede.

Financially things are a mess, but I’m scraping by most weeks. I could last another six months if I have to in my current situation and the financials don’t change for the better. If I resolve this situation with my creditors as I hope, twelve months is quite likely. Things do have to change in the future, but not drastically within the next week. Breathing space for a while.

That’s not to say that there haven’t been positive changes over these last two years: I’ve adopted vegetarianism, I’ve lost twelve kilograms (another five would be great), I’ve witnessed some wonderful support from my friends and family, financially I’m repositioning for the better. Once I have a better income again I’ll be in a hugely better position over time.

But there are still roadblocks. I need to develop a vision for the future again though, that’s clearly absolute requirement for my ongoing quality of life. If I can’t develop a new one of those I’ll be unlikely to see another forty years. God who would want to without one for that long? It’s both tiring and debilitating being on a roller coaster ride of feeling as if my nostrils are barely above water, then going under for just long enough to feel the choking reflex, back up for a minute or two then down for the same seemingly ad-infinitum. Something will break eventually.

But it’s all about the choices we’ve made: who and where we are is all about the choices we’ve made that have contributed to, and thus brought us to this point in our lives. It’s unrealistic to not accept that.

However I’m not letting it break today. I’ve promised myself to go easy on myself for the next week, take a few steps back and start at the drawing board (or in my case the white board) again. Perhaps I need an exercise in documenting my resources and at least mapping out any sort of plan. At least a plan that doesn’t work provides options for a new one that may succeed. If I stop trying I guess that marks me out for three quarters dead anyway doesn’t it?

Although most of the above sounds morose and hopeless just getting it out has actually lifted my spirit somewhat, I can see even just looking back a few paragraphs that I’m still able to kindle a spark of hope. The question really is can I foster that to a campfire for the remainder of the journey?

The Maelstrom…

Monday, February 27th, 2017

It seems I’m in a holding pattern, slowly spiralling inwards but not really reaching a destination, i.e. a goal. Financially I’ve slowed the sinking, but the lifeboat is still leaking slowly, with the threat of a major leak constantly a threat. Purposiveness is disintegrating slowly too which is as concerning if not more. I’m steeling myself for a cathartic jolt which I hope is looming.

A Personal 2016 Summary…

Saturday, December 31st, 2016

If I was to sum up the year that’s pretty much now past, I’d have to say it’s not been the best of years for me. That said, it’s certainly not been the worst of years, it would have had to be a total train wreck for me to think that of it. There have been the usual mix of positive and negatives, highs and lows.

Amongst the highs would be knowing that my friends definitely care about me. All my friends have been very supportive of my situation even though it’s been to a large degree of my choice by leaving work. They have easily recognised the Psychological issues involved and not one of them has devalued me in any manner. It’s been fantastic to feel that support. I’ve clearly chosen my friends wisely. Hopefully they all feel the same.

Also travelling to NZ for both pleasure and business was absolutely awe-inspiring and definitely life enhancing. Even though in many ways we (Australians thinking about New Zealanders) think we are similar, for the most part I think these days we’re not! Geography is our most common factor. New Zealand as a community seems to be moving forward both economically and socially moving forward, whereas Australia seems only to be running backwards at a great rate. Our Politicians and most of the businesses in this country are hell bent on turning our country into a “Mini US” that seems to believe it’s citizens are an inconvenience at best and disposable at worst.

I’ve also managing to hold onto the house for at least another year. That’s been another positive milestone for me this year and a very pleasant surprise considering the economic pressure. It seems that originally buying at a price that took into account six to twelve months possible unemployment was a very sensible move.

As I said before, it’s not been all roses and chocolate. I suppose, although there are times I wonder talking to others, that no regular income this year again has been the most difficult and challenging part of the year for me. There’s no doubt that having no regular income in Australia (yes first world problem) is an unpleasant thing to stay the least. It certainly clarifies the mind with regard to Social Justice in this country: there’s very little! I know in many other countries it could be much worse but then that doesn’t justify it. Again in some other countries it is much better. Australians as a whole need to take a long hard look at what they want their future communities to be like because at this stage the outlook is extremely black.

However that said, I’m seeing the year out on a high and I believe that 2017 will be a better year for me to reflect on when its 31st of December rolls around.

To all my friends:

Thank you for your wonderful care and friendship, I hope I am always able to respond in kind.


May you all have a Happy New Year.

Between Worlds…

Wednesday, November 23rd, 2016

Lost in time & space day, basically embraced Morpheus.

Just Putting in an Appearance for the Day…

Thursday, October 20th, 2016

Managed a walk for couple of hours outside as brisk as it was; an apparent temperature of 2°. I did manage some meditation and tried brainstorming some stuff to sell.

It’s 17:00 and I’m heading to bed. Just can’t be bothered with anything more today.

Community: A Group of People Living in the Same Place or having a Particular Characteristic in Common…

Tuesday, October 18th, 2016

It seems that more & more the only aspects of Commonality between all the members of Australian Communities come down to living in the same place and a shared fear of unemployment. It’s hard to feel part of a community with which my values are so disparate. A Community which values people so little, and money so much. Most people don’t ask for much, but this “Community” offers so little these days.

Slowly Sliding…

Friday, October 14th, 2016

There’s really nothing to highlight today, I’m feeling the Depression closing in as the “unknown number” calls keep increasing and there’s only one potential job on the horizon. As I said, I felt the interview went well so I can only wait until next week to find out how it will pan out.

Cyberspace and the Gaseous State…

Thursday, October 13th, 2016

It’s been a fairly disheartening day. I watched my tax return of a bit over two thousand evaporate into paying bills that have been building up. It took less than five minutes to vanish and produce nothing except reaching ground zero from underneath. It seems the only advance we’ve made from the Eighteenth Century is that we live longer to pay more & more bills.

Today feels like the expecting to win the battle against email spam: untenable.

Navigating Against the Odds…

Wednesday, October 12th, 2016

As best as I can tell the interview went well, but I’ve learned that I’m clearly not the best judge of such things these days, as you really can’t tell what’s going on behind the scenes. Often we are applying for jobs that are already decided for some internal candidate, and the business is just going through the motions. At least with this one I can be confident that there are not internal candidates waiting for the process to finish and then gain the roles in spite of good candidates being available externally.

Of course even if I’m successful gaining a position, the role isn’t guaranteed for several months. That in itself is not necessarily any different than being on contract, but it’s the financial climb up from the crevass of debt that opens up underneath me while I’m not generating an income via employment or the photography business that grinds on my soul.

It’s difficult to not feel it’s a losing battle. The empty promise of Australia as the “Lucky Country” as outlined by Donald Horne in 1964 hasn’t changed even 50 years later. We’re still a country that skids along on it’s arse being driven by mediocre and self centred individuals, i.e. Politicians & Business Leaders unwilling to tell the truth to the community and suck it dry every day even in “retirement”. Our community seems mostly undefended by Intellectuals and Entrepreneurs who could help us attain some nobility and caring in purpose and direction as a nation. We’re a nation that seems to follow blindly rather than a leader that leads and opens the way for others.