Between Bag End & Orodruin

On occasion I ponder how it is that so many people can be unfaithful and yet then after, expect the opposite from their partner.

Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying I’m above the day dreaming and fantasizing of torrid loin twisting and face smothering in the pursuit of lust. Additionally I’m none too worried about whom I will place in such mindscapes. However, trust has to be the fundamental foundation of any deep and loving relationship, otherwise it cannot withstand the ravages of time and life. How could I cheat on or with someone and then realistically be surprised or even have the gall to expect faithfulness from them in the future? I know that such presupposes that Fidelity is a desirable or required aspect of a relationship, and I am the first to acknowledge that such IS NOT ALWAYS the case. But for the sake of this discussion assume such is the case.

Therein lies the burden of the moral person. Despite what many think, I value Trust and Commitment highly. Not just for myself, but I respect such in and for others.

Over the years there’ve been several occasions in the past where the opportunity to engage in sexual activity that would result in one or more those involved (including myself) of cheating on a partner. Now I can’t swear that I’ve never engaged in a situation where infidelity didn’t occur: it’s possible that someone lied to me about not having a partner. What I can say is that since I got clean I’ve never knowingly cheated on or with someone. I can’t say the same about the time prior to being clean, but for the past 19 years I CAN. So I have seen the devastation that such actions can wreak, and I don’t believe I can afford to carry the burden of such activities and stay clean even now. That said, it doesn’t mean I don’t want to do that sometimes, or imagine what if such and such was “available”. But even if I did think it was ok to “cheat”, that doesn’t mean the other will either. But suppose they do, what is the ultimate cost? We both have a night, or several of lusting pleasure, but can love survive such faulty foundations? I’m not convinced. And to destroy someone’s trust and commitment for the sake of lust is nothing short of complete selfishness. Even I can’t abide that, and I’m one of the most selfish people I know!

For all my wicked ways though I just can’t allow myself to cross that line of “cheating”. My conscience can’t afford the luxury of “Trust of Convenience”. It’s frustrating, there’s so many in the world that I’d enjoy being with just for a night, and then we could both walk away having sated our appetites: except for that cost.

At the extreme end of the scale, my soul burns and my body aches to be with someone, but even if it was said to me “I’m will to cheat and take the consequences” I still can’t condone such behaviour from myself. This is despite the fact I’ve willingly commit to this person in an instant, offer all that I’m capable of giving of my soul if the situation was different. Even if I did manage to get over the initial “I won’t do that”, I know that later I’d lose respect for the person making the offer no matter what the motivation. Certainly I couldn’t trust (s)he to the degree necessary to let them into every possible nook and cranny of my soul. I’ve been in a relationship or two where the trust’s been lost, without foundation, but that’s enough to send such on an inevitable spiral down to breakdown.

It’s disturbing, I’m fundamentally a creature of instance gratification and as little responsibility as possible, but there are some you just can’t ignore no matter what. I cannot have my happiness at the expense of another’s.

It’s a case of damned if I do, damned if I don’t!

*&&^%*%****&**% Cosmos sometimes!

WTF was I thinking? Obviously I wasn’t, and there goes one of those “Sliding Doors” that can’t be closed after opening.

What I thought was obvious, quite clearly wasn’t! I guess it’s a case of in for a penny in for a pound…