Archive for May, 2010

Unheard of…

Sunday, May 30th, 2010

I Finished Alan Wake last night, and have to say it was a great hoot, and interesting take on things. Can’t say I’ve ever finished a game so quick before (8 days), but I don’t feel shortchanged in any way.

The Price of…

Thursday, May 27th, 2010

Money can buy you sex, even very good sex, but it just can’t buy that wonderful feeling of lying in bed spooning someone you care about deeply… Pity! 🙁

Just how A.Wake am I…

Tuesday, May 25th, 2010

Bought Alan Wake Collector’s edition last week, and loving it. It’s all I expected it to be. In less than a week I’ve plugged through five episodes. That’s fairly damn fast for me.

Reprise

Saturday, May 22nd, 2010

Had been going home on lunch time train, but couple of us decided to walk up past Sammy’s old flat in Windsor then go back to Southbank for lunch at a place she would often go. Seems a nicer way to finish off things.

Poetry of the Cosmos…

Friday, May 21st, 2010

Well goodbye to Sammy is in the Royal Botanic Gardens Saturday morning. I’m glad because I can catch the Train so I don’t have to drive and find a park. Best of all for me though it’s the last place Sammy and I spent time when we met in Melbourne. I’m sure it wasn’t picked for me, but somehow it’s poetic and wonderful. I’m looking forward to it.

To be Open is to Close…

Friday, May 21st, 2010

I’ve spent the best parts of both my teenage and adult life avoiding being close to people and letting them into who I am. I’ve used sex as an avoidance mechanism and it’s worked so successfully, that when it came down to it, Sammy and I couldn’t allow ourselves (either of us) to loosen the inner vault door that final few inches to let another cross in as completely as possible for two people. It’s a bit more complicated than that, and there was baggage on both sides. In the end we both had agreed we just couldn’t go there. Lost opportunities *sigh* sometimes they’re hard to swallow when the opportunity is permanently lost…

The perversity of the Cosmos is that when I actually wish to do this with another, and start to try doing so it negates the opportunity of apparent unattached sex and anything else, and there’s no escape from the feelings! I thought I’d be doing a better job and starting from a better point in the first place, by opening up, but somehow it’s gone elsewhere, no doubt in the Cosmos’ direction for me. It’s not necessarily the opposite of what I would hope, but it’s not how I would have preferred it to go. Not that I really know I guess. I ponder, but meaning is missing for me at the moment. I guess more will become apparent, but there definitely seems to be something crazy with how this show is written so far, I’m sure I didn’t write this script. But then again I always was wanting instant gratification, and there’s no doubt this time I didn’t, so I guess I got that right.

There is humour in this in a black way I guess…

Did I just see or hear something…

Friday, May 21st, 2010

Pretty Good day. And damn how does someone catch me by surprise like that?

Turned the Corner…

Tuesday, May 18th, 2010

A good day today, nothing emotionally excessive, just a few patches of sadness here or there. Things are starting to feel manageable again.

Up the Spiral Staircase…

Monday, May 17th, 2010

I took today off work to help get my shit together. Went over to Sara’s this morning and had a wonderful time, and didn’t have a single thought about Sammy until I got home early this afternoon. But somewhere between lying in bed this morning with the Committee and getting home, something inside had changed.

I had somewhere without realising it found the motivation to begin to crawl up the hill again. So this afternoon I rang couple of Sammy’s friends, chatted and asked some hard questions. Then I rang work and took another day off. After that I wrote Sammy one of those letters you don’t really mean to send, but says what it has to say, while tears poured from my eyes, nearly drowning the keyboard. I put in 40 mins on the exercise bike and threw myself in the shower. Then I did a Rune Spread and after that walked halfway up my block with a chair, and sat down in the middle of the block and just did a breathe meditation with my eyes closed for 5 mins.

I’ve been solid since then, and feel more like my old self. I’m still wounded, but I believe I’ve started to heal. I hope by taking an extra day off that I’ll have a fairly normal attitude to most things back at work and won’t be “off with the pixies” 99% of the time when I get back.

Now all I have left will be the Service in a few days, but I think I’ll be as ready for that as I can ever be now. I think I may have realigned to the Cosmos again.

A simple request…

Sunday, May 16th, 2010

Dear Cosmos,

I’d really like a day soon when I wasn’t an emotional ricochet all day…

PS. don’t tell Furbag, I would like a few more late breakfasts on her part 😉