I’ve spent the best parts of both my teenage and adult life avoiding being close to people and letting them into who I am. I’ve used sex as an avoidance mechanism and it’s worked so successfully, that when it came down to it, Sammy and I couldn’t allow ourselves (either of us) to loosen the inner vault door that final few inches to let another cross in as completely as possible for two people. It’s a bit more complicated than that, and there was baggage on both sides. In the end we both had agreed we just couldn’t go there. Lost opportunities *sigh* sometimes they’re hard to swallow when the opportunity is permanently lost…
The perversity of the Cosmos is that when I actually wish to do this with another, and start to try doing so it negates the opportunity of apparent unattached sex and anything else, and there’s no escape from the feelings! I thought I’d be doing a better job and starting from a better point in the first place, by opening up, but somehow it’s gone elsewhere, no doubt in the Cosmos’ direction for me. It’s not necessarily the opposite of what I would hope, but it’s not how I would have preferred it to go. Not that I really know I guess. I ponder, but meaning is missing for me at the moment. I guess more will become apparent, but there definitely seems to be something crazy with how this show is written so far, I’m sure I didn’t write this script. But then again I always was wanting instant gratification, and there’s no doubt this time I didn’t, so I guess I got that right.
There is humour in this in a black way I guess…