Archive for October, 2017

Bobbing Like an Apple in a Barrel…

Sunday, October 29th, 2017

Progress is slow at best (if at all) over the last couple of months. I’ve been having some horrific bouts of deep Depression that seem to be profound but concentrated over a few days but anything up to about 10 days. Then I seem to crawl back up out of it. It also seems to me that I have some sort of 3/5 week pattern going on. What I mean by that is that I seem to get maybe up to 3 weeks where I’m buoyant enough, then I will have between a week and a fortnight of strong and sometimes overwhelming Depressive bouts.

I’ve been working with a Psychologist again: yet another new one as both my previous choices have retired. The sessions seem to be progressing well so I’m prepared to consider that it’s an escalation before a substantial improvement that’s been transpiring over these last two to three months. But it’s been a very bumpy road this last six months. Yes, I seemed to make some ground earlier in the year, but now that is past things are not progressing as satisfactorily as I’d hoped. Things are just getting emotionally harder as the weeks go by again.

I’ve also had a few financial setbacks again, large bills mostly but I’ve also had to repay some money borrowed, inevitable but not the best time. I thought I’d be financially ok until the end of the year but that’s looking shakier now.

Surprisingly though the last couple of days have been much better. I’ve been making a substantial effort to not come down on myself for a shattered sleep cycle, and basically I’ve decided to just not give a fuck for a week or so about anything other than focussing on positives and trying to experience some happy periods no matter how “irresponsible” that may seem to me. At the moment a positive mood seems more important than anything else to my ongoing psychological survival.

Lost Footing…

Tuesday, October 3rd, 2017

Clearly I’ve had a relapse with regard to the emotional position I was in 18 months ago and I can’t let that continue. Here’s hoping that with the financial mess behind me now I can grasp some bull by the horns and get some traction in life again. It’s been way too long since I felt on solid ground.

That said, the end of last week and the weekend just passed was the most hopeless and emotionally debilitating period I can remember over the last two years. I have no certain idea why and that’s concerning because it seemed to come from nowhere and I really was struggling to stay afloat. I spent hours on the phone with friends just to hang on. I really hope that was some incredibly obscure and unlikely set of circumstances that’s done & dusted now because I’m pretty sure I’d be underwater if I had to try and stay on top of that level of psychological blackness for a couple of weeks continuously.

Anyway I’ve shortlisted some tasks this week to try and prevent slipping down to that level again. Hopefully that state will not reoccur before I find my feet again.