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    Just one of those things…

    2012 - 02.18

    There’s really only so many responses to the line “…sodomy by rubber eggplant!”

    Drip, Drop, Pitter, Patter (and NOT little feet)…

    2011 - 02.18

    I’m yet to fully discern what lies behind my adoration / obsession with rain, listening to the rain: basically doing anything in the rain. All I know is that I rarely feel so at peace with the Cosmos as when listening to rain or being in the rain. There are two earliest recollections of rain of which I’m aware at this stage.

    I have  one of lying in my bed at night when young listening to the rain in the dark for what seemed like hours, floating away on the sound, merging with the rain. Somehow I feel a sense of innocence and purity when I recall this experience.

    The other is of sitting under a Willow Tree by the lake near my home on an afternoon, simply watching the rain fall onto the surface of the lake, listening to the symphony of tiny splashes, eventually building up to a fair crescendo as the rain got heavier. I remember the light breeze and fresh smell I’ve come to appreciate like few others. I was to have an early sexual experience in that same spot a few years later, in the rain, partially chosen because of the sense of safety I’d felt there on several occasions, and because we both liked the area. It was one of my few early experiences where I felt some emotional connection to the girl I was with, making it something more than just “getting it”…Not so innocent, but still something potent.

    Echoes from a Not So Distant Past…

    2011 - 02.14

    It would seem that I’d not dealt with the dregs of a previous relationship as well as I’d thought: apparently there’s more to resolve within myself! Despite no contact for several years now, there’s apparently still some anger and pain. Work to be done for sure…

    Of Sheep & Babies…

    2011 - 02.12

    I was just introduced to a game for PS3 called “Catherine”. Dreams of Sheep, Killer babies, apparently mummified corpses and Women in short skirts & stockings. The Japanese really whack it all in don’t they!

    If only it had been (J)ust in(e) for 120 Days…

    2010 - 12.26

    It’s been a long time coming, I’ve been waiting for years to get my hands on even a 75% decent copy of Pasolini’s Salò. Anything that’s been available in this country in the last 2 decades has been very average quality at best. But today I managed to come across a copy of the Blue-Ray remaster. Interestingly MANY people seem to find this an extremely disturbing film, yet it’s never really bothered me even from the first viewing.

    Ironically, I also bought the ONLY film I’ve ever watched that truly disturbed me. The scene of the scourging of Jesus in “The Passion of Christ” was the most personally confronting depiction of brutal cruelty from one human being towards another that I’ve yet seen. Perhaps it has begun to fade to the point I begin to wonder if it will effect me the same a second time. I must confess the rest of the movie from that scene on is somewhat hazy.

    Ah JB, you’ve done it again!

    And the answer is: not 42…

    2010 - 09.06

    Well the year rolls over, and the birthday shag tradition is intact just…
    The Cosmos certainly toted with me though: I had no power from 0:45 Sunday morning until 18:30 Sunday evening. I’d rescheduled twice in anticipation of the worst! But fortunately all was sorted with time to spare. Considering my guest / present was traveling this had had me sweating (in a bad way).
    Anyway saw in the early early morn in the most fitting way I can think of for such a day and that’s the main thing.
    The Cosmos provides.

    Not yet Spring but…

    2010 - 08.24

    I’ve decided that I need to take my holiday a little bit earlier than I originally planned. Thus I’m finishing up at the end of the week, and Helen and I going to catch up for a few days first up her way, then slip back down here, she’s wanting to catch up on some family business. We may also drop into Newcastle while I’m up that way and catch up with Pat if we feel so inclinded. Had been going to catch up with Marcus, but he’s still in Thailand “wheeling and dealing his new ‘condo'” but I’ll guess I’ll learn all about that when he’s back in the country. Short of that the only definite must is the traditional birthday shag! I’m falling back on “old timers” for such pleasurable occasions this year, and I don’t foresee any thing more permanent in the medium term future. I’m guessing that’s for the best or the Cosmos would be providing otherwise.

    Other than that I’ll try and get a bit done on some of the little projects for the house I’ve been pondering and get some games cleared off the list. Money’s tight, but that’s how I roll… 😉

    A reach across time & space…

    2010 - 08.11

    Alive or dead, physically present or not, those close to us exert amazing influence even without doing anything. To have been touched intimately either physically, emotionally or spiritually binds us to another far more than we may intend at the time. Even Time is not a barrier, although it seems to be the only salve to appease a soul’s hunger or desire and even then it seems we’re not necessarily proof. A remembered look, or touch, a breath across the neck, or hair across the stomach lingers for years, decades…

    Early Spring cleaning…

    2010 - 07.29

    Runes and a Tarot reading by a friend resonate with my guts, tough choices ahead, moving on from certain things and August is around the corner. Dreams scarier than normal.

    I’m hoping that with the roller coaster year I’ve had, August will be less difficult that it often is for me. Starting the month with some visits from friends: some will earn their breakfast the hard way and some the easy way! 🙂

    A different sort of Pillow Talk…

    2010 - 07.18

    There are some old friends where you just don’t have to say anything, they understand perfectly, there’s a connection that transcends the spoken word. You can discuss anything freely without fear or prejudice. Just being with them creates tangible changes in the Cosmos around you both and creates that sort of Microcosm where the rest of the world just doesn’t matter for 12 hours, or a day. Total Freedom to be!

    Helen and I were having a post breakfast chat in bed this morning, and it’s amazing how interesting morning after conversations get when there’s no “romantic” emotional content to clear from the air. The conversation turned to people who had left their mark on us, where that had left us, and how people all too many times seem determined to drag relationships through the wringer so far that they end up despising those that once they claimed to love.

    I was struck this morning with the idea that in some part this is an unconscious attempt to subvert the old feelings that can arise when you see this person again later. Yet the rewards for those who can extricate themselves before descending into the never-ending spiral of the blame game are potentially great. To have someone that you’ve been through much with, and agreed that you’ve run your course without needing to blame each other for something that no longer worked is worth more than money can buy. Helen and I’ve both enjoyed the benefits of such including with each other.

    A slightly different case in point was yesterday, where despite my best efforts to feel nothing, I just don’t seem to have surgically removed all. What’s left is harmless, but a humbling experience, because I realise I just cannot exorcise it all no matter how much I would like to, without losing what I’ve worked so hard to achieve over all these years. I was intrigued because it doesn’t seem to matter how well you think you burn certain feelings out of you, and cauterise the area, you can’t seem to cut it all out. It seems a bit like cancer. There’s always the potential for it all to come undone when you see that person face to face again. You realise then that unless you’ve perverted that old love to hate, you’re always going to be doomed to feel something no matter how little is left.

    Just seeing them is enough to remind you of what attraction there was once before. And then we spooned, and there we lay, 2 drifters in the Cosmos, both alone but not lonely…