Ramblings regarding my journey through the Cosmos…
Runes and a Tarot reading by a friend resonate with my guts, tough choices ahead, moving on from certain things and August is around the corner. Dreams scarier than normal.
I’m hoping that with the roller coaster year I’ve had, August will be less difficult that it often is for me. Starting the month with some visits from friends: some will earn their breakfast the hard way and some the easy way! 🙂
Yes I crumbled pathetically on my stance about Starcraft 2 not more than 2 hours into the first day on sale: in my hot little hands by 11:00 yesterday. I’m actually not sorry. Despite my protestations, I guess I knew a couple of weeks ago my staunch determination to boycott it was under strain, it took only a price of $69 to pervert me.
Something particularly ironic that the price was such, as I’ve never known a 69 I could resist…
There are some old friends where you just don’t have to say anything, they understand perfectly, there’s a connection that transcends the spoken word. You can discuss anything freely without fear or prejudice. Just being with them creates tangible changes in the Cosmos around you both and creates that sort of Microcosm where the rest of the world just doesn’t matter for 12 hours, or a day. Total Freedom to be!
Helen and I were having a post breakfast chat in bed this morning, and it’s amazing how interesting morning after conversations get when there’s no “romantic” emotional content to clear from the air. The conversation turned to people who had left their mark on us, where that had left us, and how people all too many times seem determined to drag relationships through the wringer so far that they end up despising those that once they claimed to love.
I was struck this morning with the idea that in some part this is an unconscious attempt to subvert the old feelings that can arise when you see this person again later. Yet the rewards for those who can extricate themselves before descending into the never-ending spiral of the blame game are potentially great. To have someone that you’ve been through much with, and agreed that you’ve run your course without needing to blame each other for something that no longer worked is worth more than money can buy. Helen and I’ve both enjoyed the benefits of such including with each other.
A slightly different case in point was yesterday, where despite my best efforts to feel nothing, I just don’t seem to have surgically removed all. What’s left is harmless, but a humbling experience, because I realise I just cannot exorcise it all no matter how much I would like to, without losing what I’ve worked so hard to achieve over all these years. I was intrigued because it doesn’t seem to matter how well you think you burn certain feelings out of you, and cauterise the area, you can’t seem to cut it all out. It seems a bit like cancer. There’s always the potential for it all to come undone when you see that person face to face again. You realise then that unless you’ve perverted that old love to hate, you’re always going to be doomed to feel something no matter how little is left.
Just seeing them is enough to remind you of what attraction there was once before. And then we spooned, and there we lay, 2 drifters in the Cosmos, both alone but not lonely…
Definitely getting over the cold now, not 100%, but getting close.
With a couple of further days off last week attempting to recover from this cold, I managed to knock off Heavy Rain. I’m strongly considering buying a second hand PS3 provided I can find one at a reasonable price just to play this game again a few more times. I actually bought a new copy for $50 from JB Hifi which has sort of committed me to this, albeit at the appropriate time designated by the Cosmos.
The emotional reframing I’ve been working on has also been progressing well too, with a good sense of stability returning and a sense of grounding also. There’s been a few tough patches, but the last few days have unfolded much more comfortably. It’s amazing that Albert Ellis’ RE(b)T is still a useful avenue for positive change. Couple that with revisiting a bit of Psychosynthesis and the medium to long term prognosis is very good.
Let’s just say I’m feeling up for continued diet of non committal sex, whores and assorted toys. I guess I’m just prepared to acknowledge that I occasionally feel sad about an empty bed by 07:00.