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    Up the Spiral Staircase…


    2010 - 05.17

    I took today off work to help get my shit together. Went over to Sara’s this morning and had a wonderful time, and didn’t have a single thought about Sammy until I got home early this afternoon. But somewhere between lying in bed this morning with the Committee and getting home, something inside had changed.

    I had somewhere without realising it found the motivation to begin to crawl up the hill again. So this afternoon I rang couple of Sammy’s friends, chatted and asked some hard questions. Then I rang work and took another day off. After that I wrote Sammy one of those letters you don’t really mean to send, but says what it has to say, while tears poured from my eyes, nearly drowning the keyboard. I put in 40 mins on the exercise bike and threw myself in the shower. Then I did a Rune Spread and after that walked halfway up my block with a chair, and sat down in the middle of the block and just did a breathe meditation with my eyes closed for 5 mins.

    I’ve been solid since then, and feel more like my old self. I’m still wounded, but I believe I’ve started to heal. I hope by taking an extra day off that I’ll have a fairly normal attitude to most things back at work and won’t be “off with the pixies” 99% of the time when I get back.

    Now all I have left will be the Service in a few days, but I think I’ll be as ready for that as I can ever be now. I think I may have realigned to the Cosmos again.

    A simple request…


    2010 - 05.16

    Dear Cosmos,

    I’d really like a day soon when I wasn’t an emotional ricochet all day…

    PS. don’t tell Furbag, I would like a few more late breakfasts on her part 😉

    Seek that found in the darkest…


    2010 - 05.15

    The untrodden ground of mind and heart
    Lit just barely through crack in the dark
    A sliver of light, a pool of warmth
    bathes that tiniest part of my Soul that
    until now ne’er been seen ‘cept by one
    Still, it may be that in days to come
    there yet be, perhaps another such one

    Frog on a lily


    2010 - 05.13

    Tough night, several dreams of losing people, not just Sammy, even the Furbag. Couple of them started out good though only to end badly. Seem more tired than when I went to bed last night! If it hadn’t been that I had so much work at work that had to be done to a timeline I think I’d still be curled up in a ball in bed

    I’m a frog in a pond jumping from lily to lily where each starts to sink after a short period of stability. I guess I’ll get to land again sooner or later.

    Brave New World…


    2010 - 05.10

    In the last few days I’ve dipped my feet into a very different world, one that I’d never anticipated. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt so clueless about how to be with others (in this case young children). I think I’m doing ok, but it’s all very unnerving, as I’m way out of my comfort zone.

    Still, I’ve learnt in my journey through the Cosmos that I’m presented with opportunities to learn the things I need to for each new step in life. If I grasp each I will move forward on the journey.

    As I learnt in early recovery, I just need the willingness to do whatever is required. As long as I have the willingness the Cosmos unfolds as it is meant to smoothly and my journey is forward to wherever I’m headed. Where I don’t know, but it will be interesting for certain, and ultimately positive and to my benefit.

    When Sex ISN’T the answer…


    2010 - 05.05

    Today is a much better day overall. Things have settled for me, the Committee (in my head) seems to have disbanded and I’m a little less “scatterbrained”. Oddly I think the focus on getting a couple of games finished and not chasing sex as an avoidance has worked! :S

    I actually think this is one Occasion when sex isn’t the answer!

    (did I just write that?)

    Slipping my toes in the Maelstrom…


    2010 - 05.04

    My Runes are telling my it’s going to be tough going with the Cosmos in the medium term, that I need to change and that much that was, needs to be left behind. There is no satisfactory refuge that isn’t a failure to face reality. I feel like I’m in Milkwood. I think I need a very very long holiday…

    There comes a time…


    2010 - 05.02

    This week I plan finish Mass Effect 2 by the end of the week. In fact I will have no sex until I finish this game, so it better be before week’s end, or I’m going to be moving towards a sex free weekend! It’s been too long waiting to finish. I have at least 3 others to finish too. I may have to apply the same caveat to them also…

    White Knuckle Day…


    2010 - 04.25

    Obviously I don’t have all the holes plugged up yet, the Committee’s running rampant and I am just not yet able to hand it over to the Cosmos. I’ve been here before, you’d think it would have become easy by now. As Caligula states in the movie of the same name, “you can’t have both for the same price!”

    I know I’ll get through it, work through it, but I’m knots and fire today. I need a distraction for the day. For those of you who come into contact with me, forgive me for being a bit “ratty” today.

    A day to reflect…


    2010 - 04.16

    Over today I’ve spent several hours chatting to different people about life and living. I’ve remembered how lucky I am to be alive AND happy. Obviously happiness is still a commodity in short supply.

    I guess these days I sort have gotten into the habit of taking the fact I’m happy most of the time for granted. In fact it’s been nearly a year since my last bout of deep depression.

    Bouts of depression aside though, I’ve been happy for the best part of 20 years now, and there’s no doubt that’s something to be grateful for, and to show thanks in life where ever I can. Every little bit of good I do in the world is a way of showing my gratitude for what was shown to me in the first place and has kept me going since.

    Thanks to all those that gave for me, taught me to give, and I hope I do as well for others.