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    What price…


    2010 - 03.01

    It’s amazing that in a kaleidoscope of lust one of the most satisfying things in the Cosmos is spooning someone with their breast cupped in your hand…

    Incorrigible…


    2010 - 03.01

    I don’t know which is worse for me, JB Hifi or Sex shops: I can’t seem to leave either without spending money!

    Reality is where…


    2010 - 02.28

    Dreams continually remind me what a wonderful phenomena the mind and consciousness is…and the beautiful things in this world.

    Damnation of the Ethical (Wo)Man…


    2010 - 02.27

    On occasion I ponder how it is that so many people can be unfaithful and yet then after, expect the opposite from their partner.

    Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying I’m above the day dreaming and fantasizing of torrid loin twisting and face smothering in the pursuit of lust. Additionally I’m none too worried about whom I will place in such mindscapes. However, trust has to be the fundamental foundation of any deep and loving relationship, otherwise it cannot withstand the ravages of time and life. How could I cheat on or with someone and then realistically be surprised or even have the gall to expect faithfulness from them in the future? I know that such presupposes that Fidelity is a desirable or required aspect of a relationship, and I am the first to acknowledge that such IS NOT ALWAYS the case. But for the sake of this discussion assume such is the case.

    Therein lies the burden of the moral person. Despite what many think, I value Trust and Commitment highly. Not just for myself, but I respect such in and for others.

    Over the years there’ve been several occasions in the past where the opportunity to engage in sexual activity that would result in one or more those involved (including myself) of cheating on a partner. Now I can’t swear that I’ve never engaged in a situation where infidelity didn’t occur: it’s possible that someone lied to me about not having a partner. What I can say is that since I got clean I’ve never knowingly cheated on or with someone. I can’t say the same about the time prior to being clean, but for the past 19 years I CAN. So I have seen the devastation that such actions can wreak, and I don’t believe I can afford to carry the burden of such activities and stay clean even now. That said, it doesn’t mean I don’t want to do that sometimes, or imagine what if such and such was “available”. But even if I did think it was ok to “cheat”, that doesn’t mean the other will either. But suppose they do, what is the ultimate cost? We both have a night, or several of lusting pleasure, but can love survive such faulty foundations? I’m not convinced. And to destroy someone’s trust and commitment for the sake of lust is nothing short of complete selfishness. Even I can’t abide that, and I’m one of the most selfish people I know!

    For all my wicked ways though I just can’t allow myself to cross that line of “cheating”. My conscience can’t afford the luxury of “Trust of Convenience”. It’s frustrating, there’s so many in the world that I’d enjoy being with just for a night, and then we could both walk away having sated our appetites: except for that cost.

    At the extreme end of the scale, my soul burns and my body aches to be with someone, but even if it was said to me “I’m will to cheat and take the consequences” I still can’t condone such behaviour from myself. This is despite the fact I’ve willingly commit to this person in an instant, offer all that I’m capable of giving of my soul if the situation was different. Even if I did manage to get over the initial “I won’t do that”, I know that later I’d lose respect for the person making the offer no matter what the motivation. Certainly I couldn’t trust (s)he to the degree necessary to let them into every possible nook and cranny of my soul. I’ve been in a relationship or two where the trust’s been lost, without foundation, but that’s enough to send such on an inevitable spiral down to breakdown.

    It’s disturbing, I’m fundamentally a creature of instance gratification and as little responsibility as possible, but there are some you just can’t ignore no matter what. I cannot have my happiness at the expense of another’s.

    It’s a case of damned if I do, damned if I don’t!

    *&&^%*%****&**% Cosmos sometimes!

    Beyond nudity…


    2010 - 02.20

    I don’t recall ever being so voluntarily naked before…

    Oh for that Crystal Ball…


    2010 - 02.20

    WTF was I thinking? Obviously I wasn’t, and there goes one of those “Sliding Doors” that can’t be closed after opening.

    What I thought was obvious, quite clearly wasn’t! I guess it’s a case of in for a penny in for a pound…

    Simply Delicious…


    2010 - 02.14

    Someone tweaked my buttons with but a few simple words and imagery last night, and unusually it took hours to subside. I doubt they realise just how good a job they did! I’ve always felt apprehensive finding someone who can do that to me so easily and has that sort of power. Didn’t happen in the old days, with a chemical buffer. Nowadays, I have only my own armour to feel secure with, and this time it shattered without warning! Such deliciousness is always poised on a blade though, where the merest slip can draw precious blood…

    More than a drop…


    2010 - 01.12

    Finally a bit of relief from the heat, and potentially relieving the chance of fire! I love rain. I’d live where it rained 12 hours a day and 20 degree temperatures if I could just find somewhere that did that without the humidity. But sadly such is not the case.

    To paraphrase the innocent Maria:

    Raindrops and Ho’s, Leather and Kittens,
    …these are a few of my favourite things!

    Either way I’m happy to be getting some rain, even if it’s spotting the screen of the laptop while I’m sitting out here on the patio tapping away (excuse my OCD).

    Fall from Grace in all directions…


    2009 - 10.18

    Well for a fortnight where I was going to financially behave myself, I certainly fell in a heap this weekend.

    First there were some additions to the “toy drawer” for Friday night’s little escape, then today there was another little crumble when I came home with two external drives (USB), one terabyte drive for a new multimedia store, and the other a 320 Gig to backup the iMac. Both are working swimmingly. I picked up a cheap arse keyboard and some blank DVD’s at the same time, so all in all a total breakdown of resolute saving this fortnight!

    However I’ve managed to not be burned by JB Hifi this week. 🙂

    Who stole the ground from under me…?


    2009 - 07.04

    It’s 06:30 and I feel in chaos, perhaps a little insane. I can’t sleep, and my brain is flip flopping like a fish on the shore after being dropped off the hook… it’s almost like I was treading water at sea and suddenly the ocean’s gone and I’m looking down the abyss.

    Less than half an hour ago I dropped Sammy at the Station so she could head back home. I picked her up last night just after 19:00, we had Dinner, came home to Play, then snuggles and chat in bed after. It’s the chat after that’s tossing my spot in the Cosmos to and fro. Sammy’s “officially” retired.

    I’d love to retire at 48, but alas that’s not to be for me. However that’s not so much the issue, I have never been a “customer” although I’ve been a lucky recipient. She’s given up the Studio, sold her flat, given a heap of paraphenalia away (yes I scored something), and she’s off to Europe, the UK and parts of Asia for the next couple of years… She’s not even sure she’ll come back this time, it’s not necessarily just a holiday. She’s looking to move on completely.

    We’ve not seen each other all that regularly since we met up again after all those years, but there is a bond that’s rare, and difficult to ignore. We’ve shared some experiences that bind you together for a lifetime, even when you’re physically apart most of the time: on a spiritual level. We’ve both seen and done things people should never have to do, and come out of it scarred but with our lives intact, and opportunities for redemption and growth that are rare. I can honestly say I’ve not felt such a loss (her leaving) in modern memory. I wouldn’t call it unrequited love, neither of us have been willing to commit in a solid way for various reasons since we reconnected. But the floor is gone, and I actually don’t know what the fuck to do…

    At least I got to kiss her in the Rain one last time!