• About
  • Archives
  • Categories
  • Archive for the ‘Depression’ Category

    The Dead Marshes…


    2017 - 03.07

    I can’t say it was a great weekend of activity, although I did help a friend out with something that’s been holding her back from getting a lot of work done. It’s good to know you can help friends and receive the simple joy and satisfaction that comes with that and the recognise the appreciation and thanks.

    Outside of doing that, the rest of the weekend has been spent examining and reorganising my plans for the coming few months. Financially things are just limping along, but it’s not the money so much as the disintegration of the faith in myself and my skill set that’s more concerning now. I know rationally I have a huge range of skills. However at the moment they’re not being used to their full potential. I can see this, but have been feeling at a loss about how to kick start the process again. The vain hope of getting a job again that will use these is solidifying into a figurative concrete wall, grey, uninteresting and unattractive.

    Coupled with that is a major lack of motivation for anything, it’s debilitating. It’s not accompanied by the profound Depression that I was feeling 18 months ago, but somehow this is more insidious. The subtleness of it is what’s most concerning. So today I’m spending time regrouping myself mentally and strategising a fresh path for the next 3 to 6 months.

    The Maelstrom…


    2017 - 02.27

    It seems I’m in a holding pattern, slowly spiralling inwards but not really reaching a destination, i.e. a goal. Financially I’ve slowed the sinking, but the lifeboat is still leaking slowly, with the threat of a major leak constantly a threat. Purposiveness is disintegrating slowly too which is as concerning if not more. I’m steeling myself for a cathartic jolt which I hope is looming.

    2017 is Out of the Blocks…


    2017 - 01.03

    Well so far I’m managing to stay positive and trying to do my best to use my time productively. Sleep is still an issue, not so much getting sleep, just a matter of when. But I’ve stopped worrying about the when and just make sure I’m getting enough and not too much. Then I just make the time awake as productive as I can towards achieving my goals for the next few months.

    A Personal 2016 Summary…


    2016 - 12.31

    If I was to sum up the year that’s pretty much now past, I’d have to say it’s not been the best of years for me. That said, it’s certainly not been the worst of years, it would have had to be a total train wreck for me to think that of it. There have been the usual mix of positive and negatives, highs and lows.

    Amongst the highs would be knowing that my friends definitely care about me. All my friends have been very supportive of my situation even though it’s been to a large degree of my choice by leaving work. They have easily recognised the Psychological issues involved and not one of them has devalued me in any manner. It’s been fantastic to feel that support. I’ve clearly chosen my friends wisely. Hopefully they all feel the same.

    Also travelling to NZ for both pleasure and business was absolutely awe-inspiring and definitely life enhancing. Even though in many ways we (Australians thinking about New Zealanders) think we are similar, for the most part I think these days we’re not! Geography is our most common factor. New Zealand as a community seems to be moving forward both economically and socially moving forward, whereas Australia seems only to be running backwards at a great rate. Our Politicians and most of the businesses in this country are hell bent on turning our country into a “Mini US” that seems to believe it’s citizens are an inconvenience at best and disposable at worst.

    I’ve also managing to hold onto the house for at least another year. That’s been another positive milestone for me this year and a very pleasant surprise considering the economic pressure. It seems that originally buying at a price that took into account six to twelve months possible unemployment was a very sensible move.

    As I said before, it’s not been all roses and chocolate. I suppose, although there are times I wonder talking to others, that no regular income this year again has been the most difficult and challenging part of the year for me. There’s no doubt that having no regular income in Australia (yes first world problem) is an unpleasant thing to stay the least. It certainly clarifies the mind with regard to Social Justice in this country: there’s very little! I know in many other countries it could be much worse but then that doesn’t justify it. Again in some other countries it is much better. Australians as a whole need to take a long hard look at what they want their future communities to be like because at this stage the outlook is extremely black.

    However that said, I’m seeing the year out on a high and I believe that 2017 will be a better year for me to reflect on when its 31st of December rolls around.

    To all my friends:

    Thank you for your wonderful care and friendship, I hope I am always able to respond in kind.


    May you all have a Happy New Year.

    Monochrome No More…


    2016 - 12.31

    I’ve at least got the glimmerings of hope that the New Year may not be as hard as this outgoing year has been. There’s not necessarily anything earth shattering that’s happened over the last week to make me feel this way that I can pinpoint. Christmas was uneventful, but not unpleasant, and that’s about the best I hope for Christmas. Not being a Christian, it’s a day that only has meaning by the fact it’s the one day of the year I’m guaranteed to spend time with my family at my home.

    There’s no immediate signs of any work of a regular sort at the moment, it’s certainly the worst time of year to hope for that sort of change. However surprisingly there are a few jobs that I can and should realistically apply for and shall. There’s not much point in saying anymore on either of those at this stage since the last 12 months has really been a bit of a “non event” as far as such expectations go. If something more than a “thanks but no thanks” eventuates, I’ll be willing to say more on that aspect of my life. What’s more of interest immediately to me is the new found enthusiasm I seem to have found for life and facing the days.

    I’ve always stated that “I’m not a Coder’s Arsehole” which is really my way of saying that I’ve not considered myself interested in Programming. The reality was that while I didn’t start a B. Comp. to learn to code, initially I did find it interesting and at least for the first few units managed HD’s. But as life’s pressures mounted and I found myself working a full time week and balancing full-time university my interest in Programming drastically evaporated. I was really far more interested in other aspects of I.T. and didn’t really anticipate working in that area of Computing. Programming had not really been in my skill set prior to University, and it seemed to me that those that were great at code already knew how to code before they hit University. That said, Fifteen years later, I find myself with a renewed interest in Programming not sullied by the Lack Lustre opinion of what a Degree (or two) is worth in the real world now.

    A couple of seemingly unrelated and small conversations and some unexpected circumstances have caused me to re-evaluate my attitude and my “willingness” to apply myself to programming. It’s just possible that I might be able to generate some income by raising my skill set back up in this area. I have the time, oodles of time at the moment.

    There’s pressure for work, but NOT really any pressure to do programming just to get an assignment done. I’m exploring it in the way I’ve explored anything that’s interested my in the past, and usually that means with great gusto! It’s probably more a surprise to myself than anyone else that I am actually enjoying re-teaching myself to code. Admittedly, technically at the moment I wouldn’t call it true programming as I’m starting with HTML 5 & CSS(3). However I’ve drafted out a rough plan of seeing how I got with this for a month and if the interest is maintained and my skill level grows in the manner I’m used to seeing when I apply myself to something with my natural enthusiasm for new knowledge, I shall try my hand at Programming for Apple OS & iOS and also revisit “C” Programming and Programming in C+(+). I have no great desire to throw myself into C# again, but it’s not impossible.

    It seems to me a good counterbalance to the Photography and may pull me in a bit of money creating Websites or maintaining them.So through no great effort on my part it seems that 2017 may be brighter and more colourful than I was imagining a week ago.

    30 Days and Counting…


    2016 - 12.01

    Well I can barely credit it being December now. It’s not so long ago I was still getting organised for my NZ South Island trip! There’s been quite a bit happen over the year I guess, but unfortunately it looks like I’m seeing the year out with out any supplementary work to assist me. I’ve stopped worrying about that for the moment as my experience has been that there’s rarely much work around between now & February. So rather than worrying about lack of income for the next two months I’m simply going to focus wholly and solely on new avenues for the Photography business. I’ve been chatting with some friends tossing ideas around and otherwise mentally preparing for round three which hopefully will see a better next year.

    Between Worlds…


    2016 - 11.23

    Lost in time & space day, basically embraced Morpheus.

    Networks…


    2016 - 11.15

    Much the same as yesterday. I did join a “meetup.com” group for boardgames. I’m also going to try a weekly gaming session at GUF to ensure I get out of the house a couple of times a week for some fun. Networking might help with some work to keep the wolves at bay too!

    Lack Lustre…


    2016 - 11.14

    Fairly lack lustre day, struggled to emotionally keep my head above water. On days like this it’s hard to know if you’re better off trying too push through it, or sleep through it.

    Stepping Out…


    2016 - 11.12

    A slow day. Plans for a burn off to get rid of the collection of branches blown down over the last few months by the wild weather were rescheduled due to too much wind. Additionally rain put a stop to mowing. So in the end I spend the afternoon going through boxes of old computing peripherals and cables trying to downsize. I also watched some interesting board game reviews and also some how to plays. I’m going to push myself to get out and try and do regular gaming once a week down at the local game store. Most of my gaming friends have moved or had children and no longer have the time for the sort of games I like to play. No surprise, there’s a lot of work and time involved in young children.

    That said, I see an opportunity to develop another strategy to keep Depression at bay. I know that getting out can be a huge problem for me when Depression is growing, and I’m hoping that another social avenue may be helpful there, especially with something I enjoy so much. More on this strategy later.