Between Bag End & Orodruin

I’m told tonight that Sammy won’t be shipped back she’s being buried in Italy. Susan and Gary have headed over since she’s no family anymore. There’s going to be a service in Melbourne for the rest of us which I’ll be notified soon. There’s been an interesting development for me though, apparently shortly before leaving she’d been diagnosed with Cancer (Lung) but refused treatment. It would seem now that her “retirement” may have been more than just that. It also makes sense why she cancelled our last couple of catchups, and sold up everything before she went. I choose to see now that there is some meaning in this where once I had none.

At least I feel I’ll get some closure now and perversely a sense of relief. I’ve watched people die of cancer of several types including my uncle and several friends over the years. Sometimes it’s quick, but mostly it just seems painful, undignified and messy. I would much prefer never to have to see someone I care about have to go through that sort of death again, although I doubt that.

I’ve been looking over the few things I have that she either gave me or I had as a result of my time with her years ago. It’s been taking me up and down like a yoyo over the last few days but tonight I feel a sense of some weight lifted. Now I just have to wait to say a formal “au revoir”.

A more settled day today.

I’m not cured, I’m sure it’s going to take many years for this to desire to be quelled. Still once before 15 years ago this happened, and eventually over the last couple of years has acquiesced to simply a fondness. It may have taken 13 odd years, but it’s intensity has eventually lessened, reality has taken hold and now that deep desire but a memory!

What’s happening at present has more complications, but all will be resolved given the fullness of time and acceptance of the state of the Cosmos.

At least in this instance I’m going to win either which way, because even if nothing changes, I’m still blessed. All such intense feelings whether they be love or anger eventually “die” if not nourished. But I’ll still be left with something wonderful. Such is the way of the Cosmos.