It’s 06:30 and I feel in chaos, perhaps a little insane. I can’t sleep, and my brain is flip flopping like a fish on the shore after being dropped off the hook… it’s almost like I was treading water at sea and suddenly the ocean’s gone and I’m looking down the abyss.
Less than half an hour ago I dropped Sammy at the Station so she could head back home. I picked her up last night just after 19:00, we had Dinner, came home to Play, then snuggles and chat in bed after. It’s the chat after that’s tossing my spot in the Cosmos to and fro. Sammy’s “officially” retired.
I’d love to retire at 48, but alas that’s not to be for me. However that’s not so much the issue, I have never been a “customer” although I’ve been a lucky recipient. She’s given up the Studio, sold her flat, given a heap of paraphenalia away (yes I scored something), and she’s off to Europe, the UK and parts of Asia for the next couple of years… She’s not even sure she’ll come back this time, it’s not necessarily just a holiday. She’s looking to move on completely.
We’ve not seen each other all that regularly since we met up again after all those years, but there is a bond that’s rare, and difficult to ignore. We’ve shared some experiences that bind you together for a lifetime, even when you’re physically apart most of the time: on a spiritual level. We’ve both seen and done things people should never have to do, and come out of it scarred but with our lives intact, and opportunities for redemption and growth that are rare. I can honestly say I’ve not felt such a loss (her leaving) in modern memory. I wouldn’t call it unrequited love, neither of us have been willing to commit in a solid way for various reasons since we reconnected. But the floor is gone, and I actually don’t know what the fuck to do…
At least I got to kiss her in the Rain one last time!