Goodbye Sammy *sigh*
Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category
Who stole the ground from under me…?
2009 -
07.04
It’s 06:30 and I feel in chaos, perhaps a little insane. I can’t sleep, and my brain is flip flopping like a fish on the shore after being dropped off the hook… it’s almost like I was treading water at sea and suddenly the ocean’s gone and I’m looking down the abyss.
Less than half an hour ago I dropped Sammy at the Station so she could head back home. I picked her up last night just after 19:00, we had Dinner, came home to Play, then snuggles and chat in bed after. It’s the chat after that’s tossing my spot in the Cosmos to and fro. Sammy’s “officially” retired.
I’d love to retire at 48, but alas that’s not to be for me. However that’s not so much the issue, I have never been a “customer” although I’ve been a lucky recipient. She’s given up the Studio, sold her flat, given a heap of paraphenalia away (yes I scored something), and she’s off to Europe, the UK and parts of Asia for the next couple of years… She’s not even sure she’ll come back this time, it’s not necessarily just a holiday. She’s looking to move on completely.
We’ve not seen each other all that regularly since we met up again after all those years, but there is a bond that’s rare, and difficult to ignore. We’ve shared some experiences that bind you together for a lifetime, even when you’re physically apart most of the time: on a spiritual level. We’ve both seen and done things people should never have to do, and come out of it scarred but with our lives intact, and opportunities for redemption and growth that are rare. I can honestly say I’ve not felt such a loss (her leaving) in modern memory. I wouldn’t call it unrequited love, neither of us have been willing to commit in a solid way for various reasons since we reconnected. But the floor is gone, and I actually don’t know what the fuck to do…
At least I got to kiss her in the Rain one last time!
A cold windy night…
2009 -
06.29
Yes it’s been a while, but life is rolling on, albeit slowly. I’ve been suffering a several bouts of depression over the last few months, more so than normal: I guess health issues are pecking away at me: the vultures are beginning to flock. The last six months of varying health issues, have no doubt exacerbated my irregular but consistent periods of depression.
I’ve lived with Depression since my teens, possibly younger, although professionals differ on whether children experience clinical depression. Either way, there’s no doubt I’ve had to live with it prior to, then through active addiction and also through recovery. I won’t say that it’s been much easier to deal with it the last 19 years, but at least I’m experiencing it’s full intensity and surviving without “anesthetizing” it. Still that doesn’t mean it’s fun, nor does it mean it’s unsurmountable. It’s just, well “depressing”! 🙂
Hopefully I’m moving out of this period now, and things can look up. Normally it’s about August / September that I experience it at it’s worst, but somehow I’m hoping it’s struck early this year, and I’ll be in for the rest of the year looking upwards psychologically and emotionally.
It’s been eight months since my last relationship ended, and I’m starting to loosen up the armor again. I generally have a rule of not less than 12 months in between “liasons” outside of extenuating circumstances. Specifically there’s no manifest reason to do so yet. I don’t intend engaging in anything other than shallow and unadulterated sex for several months yet.
There (i.e a year ago) and back again (i.e. the here & now)…
2009 -
04.14
I’m just sitting up here in my “loft” / loungeroom, enjoying the scent of Chamomile & Frankincense oils wafting through the air, listening to Resphigi’s “Ancient Airs and Dances”, reflecting a bit on the previous 12 months, realising so much in my life has changed. This time last year I was:
- Starting a new job, and loving the escape from the old. I was travelling the country and I was relishing the “Honeymoon”.
- Bemoaning a broken Nokia phone that couldn’t be fixed under a warranty that had expired 6 months before, but the contract still had 6 months to go!
- I was in the 5th year of a “Polyamorous” relationship which was moving into shaky ground. I think I knew it, but just wasn’t quite willing to do something about it; deluding myself that it was still working for all involved.
- I was just about to buy an iMac, although I didn’t know it. I DEFINITELY DON’T regret that one.
- I’d just rebuilt and upgraded Bombadil the Mail/WWW/FTP server and Furbag’s blog was down and she was getting cranky.
- Had a W2K3 Server (Gandalf) seriously in need of a rebuild and no scheduled upgrade!
- Basically I was bursting out of my old abode, but had no intentions of going anywhere else.
- Furbag and I were in our 12th year together.
- We didn’t have a Cat Door.
Now it seems I’m in a somewhat different space in the Cosmos than I would have anticipated, if I was into that sort of thing. I’m more of a reflective sort of person rather than a predictive person. I like to theorize, but life’s lessons are only learned reflectively, so it’s enjoy the present then learn from the past to prepare for the yet to unfold future. I prefer to look for a direction rather than a destination. That said, it seems that I’ve arrived at the below current point in the journey:
- The relationship has dissolved, at some cost to all concerned, although there’s no doubt it’s for the best for all concerned. It had obviously run it’s course and we’d had the best out of it. I don’t regret the experience, only the reticence to finish it when it should have been done.
- Having realised that the previous job was not right for me, I’m in yet another job, six months in and well past the Honeymoon but still loving it. Once again 5 mins walk from work. This one is definitely a much better choice for me, as things have really rolled on since changing.
- I’ve had the iMac almost a year, and still not regretting the money I spent on it, and become a definite convert. So much so that…
- I’ve been the proud owner of an iPhone for nearly 8 months! Yet another “mac” choice I don’t regret.
- Bombadil (Linux Server) up and running without issues for 12 months. Furbag is up again and I’ve been forgiven. I’ve begun this blog, and moving away from my Livejournal.
- Gandalf (W2K3) has been upgraded with regard to Hardware, and also had several long term issues resolved that were not critical, but annoying.
- I’ve bought a house, and been moved in for 2 months (yesterday). Space for all sorts of things now. Don’t have any intention of going anywhere else for the foreseeable short to medium term. 🙂
- Furbag and I are in our 13th year.
- We still don’t have a Cat Door (yes I’m being made to pay for this one)!
All in all it seems I’ve come forward in a positive manner just as the Cosmos has generally done for me, with some very interesting changes. No regrets, a few bruises, but they’ll pass and I’ve definitely learned something from most of the above. Not sure about the Cat Door yet though…