Ramblings regarding my journey through the Cosmos…
Managed a walk for couple of hours outside as brisk as it was; an apparent temperature of 2°. I did manage some meditation and tried brainstorming some stuff to sell.
It’s 17:00 and I’m heading to bed. Just can’t be bothered with anything more today.
I’m quite depressed today, so I rescheduled an appointment I had in town today. Nothing to be achieved by it in my current frame of mind.
Well any quick reprieve from this continuing downward trend in my capacity to stay emotionally afloat has been swiftly shot down with the email this morning advising that I was unsuccessful with the interview from last week. As I said to a couple of friends, I gave up trying to anticipate any interview results some time ago, as it doesn’t seem to matter how well you thought the interview went, that’s no indication of success. There’s really no way to tell anymore, because there are either some many applicants, or agendas that may be in play now for any single role that’s advertised.
Hope and Patience are as scarce for the unemployed as full-time roles. When I close my eyes it’s not hard to imagine I’m in a leaking lifeboat that’s starting to spring bigger leaks.
I feel my level of Depression increasing daily at the moment. It’s not so much the lack of job prospects, it’s simply the Jackals “just outside the range of firelight”, and the Vultures circling above; financially I mean of course. I get daily calls for which I have no option at this stage to deal with as I have no resources to offer with any plan. I know it’s a useless strategy but the only thing I can do at present is ignore them until I have a plan and some money to with which to broker a deal.
It’s very windy, not quite as bad as last weekend, but still fairly wild later in the day. I had indicated I would go to Geelong to day to celebrate a birthday, but today I just can’t deal with people in person (yes I know but that’s the way it is today).
There’s really nothing to highlight today, I’m feeling the Depression closing in as the “unknown number” calls keep increasing and there’s only one potential job on the horizon. As I said, I felt the interview went well so I can only wait until next week to find out how it will pan out.
It’s been a fairly disheartening day. I watched my tax return of a bit over two thousand evaporate into paying bills that have been building up. It took less than five minutes to vanish and produce nothing except reaching ground zero from underneath. It seems the only advance we’ve made from the Eighteenth Century is that we live longer to pay more & more bills.
Today feels like the expecting to win the battle against email spam: untenable.
As best as I can tell the interview went well, but I’ve learned that I’m clearly not the best judge of such things these days, as you really can’t tell what’s going on behind the scenes. Often we are applying for jobs that are already decided for some internal candidate, and the business is just going through the motions. At least with this one I can be confident that there are not internal candidates waiting for the process to finish and then gain the roles in spite of good candidates being available externally.
Of course even if I’m successful gaining a position, the role isn’t guaranteed for several months. That in itself is not necessarily any different than being on contract, but it’s the financial climb up from the crevass of debt that opens up underneath me while I’m not generating an income via employment or the photography business that grinds on my soul.
It’s difficult to not feel it’s a losing battle. The empty promise of Australia as the “Lucky Country” as outlined by Donald Horne in 1964 hasn’t changed even 50 years later. We’re still a country that skids along on it’s arse being driven by mediocre and self centred individuals, i.e. Politicians & Business Leaders unwilling to tell the truth to the community and suck it dry every day even in “retirement”. Our community seems mostly undefended by Intellectuals and Entrepreneurs who could help us attain some nobility and caring in purpose and direction as a nation. We’re a nation that seems to follow blindly rather than a leader that leads and opens the way for others.
Bit of a weird day so far, I slept in and that’s always a bit disconcerting for me these days. I realise now that I can’t afford my sleep pattern to be messed up for more than a day or so.
I have decided to stay on the Anti-Depressants for another three to six months at this stage since I have a fair bit of financial pressure on me at the moment and thats one pressure I find difficult to deal with in the sense that without work, there’s nothing that can be done about it. It seems unwise to continue to tail off them just at the moment as after starting a reduction regime several things have happened concurrently requiring significant effort to deal with over extended periods. I was starting to become vulnerable to Depressive states again.
So after discussion with GP I’ve gone back to my previous maximum dose with the plan to review in 3 months time with a goal of reduction in six months if the financial situation is improving.
The last Twenty Four hours have indicated to me that the predominant factor influencing the increase of Depression I’ve been feeling over the last month is clearly related to my sense of impending financial meltdown. I’ve noticed a positive sense of self increasing since having the call about the Assessment Session tomorrow. I’m hoping therefore that knowing a regular income will improve my outlook and seriously diminish my Depression levels.