Alive or dead, physically present or not, those close to us exert amazing influence even without doing anything. To have been touched intimately either physically, emotionally or spiritually binds us to another far more than we may intend at the time. Even Time is not a barrier, although it seems to be the only salve to appease a soul’s hunger or desire and even then it seems we’re not necessarily proof. A remembered look, or touch, a breath across the neck, or hair across the stomach lingers for years, decades…
Archive for the ‘General’ Category
Wolf’s been snacking…
2010 -
08.11
This morning I’ve woken up at “the hour of the wolf” feeling that I’ve a fist size hole in my guts and can’t stop missing Sammy. There’s no apparent trigger. Right now there seems to be nothing I want more than to roll over and just find anyone here in the bed to hold and hold and hold…
I’m actually scared I’d squeeze the life out of whomever it was though…
Beyond Poe…
2010 -
08.10
Went to see Inception tonight with an old friend whom I’ve not seen since the start of the year. Odd experience I must say on both accounts. This is one of those movies I feel the need to see again to get my head completely around and I feel as much confused as I enjoyed the film. Edgar Allan Poe would have been amused I think: A Dream within a Dream within a Dream. On a side note, I’ve begun to enjoy watching Leonardo Dicaprio in his more recent films when he’s not being portrayed as simply a handsome lead. This is also odd…
A night of oddities!
A different sort of Pillow Talk…
2010 -
07.18
There are some old friends where you just don’t have to say anything, they understand perfectly, there’s a connection that transcends the spoken word. You can discuss anything freely without fear or prejudice. Just being with them creates tangible changes in the Cosmos around you both and creates that sort of Microcosm where the rest of the world just doesn’t matter for 12 hours, or a day. Total Freedom to be!
Helen and I were having a post breakfast chat in bed this morning, and it’s amazing how interesting morning after conversations get when there’s no “romantic” emotional content to clear from the air. The conversation turned to people who had left their mark on us, where that had left us, and how people all too many times seem determined to drag relationships through the wringer so far that they end up despising those that once they claimed to love.
I was struck this morning with the idea that in some part this is an unconscious attempt to subvert the old feelings that can arise when you see this person again later. Yet the rewards for those who can extricate themselves before descending into the never-ending spiral of the blame game are potentially great. To have someone that you’ve been through much with, and agreed that you’ve run your course without needing to blame each other for something that no longer worked is worth more than money can buy. Helen and I’ve both enjoyed the benefits of such including with each other.
A slightly different case in point was yesterday, where despite my best efforts to feel nothing, I just don’t seem to have surgically removed all. What’s left is harmless, but a humbling experience, because I realise I just cannot exorcise it all no matter how much I would like to, without losing what I’ve worked so hard to achieve over all these years. I was intrigued because it doesn’t seem to matter how well you think you burn certain feelings out of you, and cauterise the area, you can’t seem to cut it all out. It seems a bit like cancer. There’s always the potential for it all to come undone when you see that person face to face again. You realise then that unless you’ve perverted that old love to hate, you’re always going to be doomed to feel something no matter how little is left.
Just seeing them is enough to remind you of what attraction there was once before. And then we spooned, and there we lay, 2 drifters in the Cosmos, both alone but not lonely…
The Bed’s too big without … Who?
2010 -
07.07
Definitely getting over the cold now, not 100%, but getting close.
With a couple of further days off last week attempting to recover from this cold, I managed to knock off Heavy Rain. I’m strongly considering buying a second hand PS3 provided I can find one at a reasonable price just to play this game again a few more times. I actually bought a new copy for $50 from JB Hifi which has sort of committed me to this, albeit at the appropriate time designated by the Cosmos.
The emotional reframing I’ve been working on has also been progressing well too, with a good sense of stability returning and a sense of grounding also. There’s been a few tough patches, but the last few days have unfolded much more comfortably. It’s amazing that Albert Ellis’ RE(b)T is still a useful avenue for positive change. Couple that with revisiting a bit of Psychosynthesis and the medium to long term prognosis is very good.
Let’s just say I’m feeling up for continued diet of non committal sex, whores and assorted toys. I guess I’m just prepared to acknowledge that I occasionally feel sad about an empty bed by 07:00.
Identified Gap in Service…
2010 -
06.29
I think that the way this Winter is headed (cold and rain wise) I need to find someone to regularly share the bed all night: there’s just too much good rain going to waste…
A Gypsy Fancy gone with the Caravan…
2010 -
06.29
Recovery from this Cold is progressing finally, not cured, but on the mend. So while a physical purging is in progress, so too is an emotional exorcism. Some feelings just can’t be held onto if life is to go on forward.
I’ve always been one to try to move forward in the journey, and now is a time that demands I move forward sooner rather than later. If I dwell within what is held when there is no reason to hold on, I’ll slowly die a little more each day. So I’m purging both physically and emotionally. Hopefully to spiritually move forward, and embrace the Cosmos again, rather than try to force my way aside from the path.
A Lung full of hot iron filings is worth…
2010 -
06.24
Well 2 flu shots earlier in the year may mean I don’t have the flu, but damn this Cold is giving my Curry! In bed by 20:00 last night, and still feeling like crap today, in fact feeling worse rather than better. I’m starting to have less enthusiasm for jumping bones…
A page in the book of the tale of…
2010 -
06.22
Other than a cold, this week seems to be shaping up a much better week than last week, I think I may even have the motivation for play again!
Tough Questions, Hard Answers…
2010 -
06.20
There are questions that are hard to ask, hard to answer, hard to hear the answers but the necessary clarity is a springboard for change. The wonder of life, love and friendship is the opportunity to manifest our essence in tangible form in a way that enhances the same in those close to us. I’m grateful for my friends, they’re like anchors in a stormy port that stop me washing out to sea.