Last week’s been a bit of a setback as far as overcoming my Depression. I missed 3 Days of work due to it this week just gone, and had to make up a few extra hours for the Thursday. However I think I’ve moved on from that bout, and on reflection think I’d been doing pretty well, nearly 2 months since I’d been impacted by a major Depressive period. So I suppose all in all it’s still moving forward, although earlier in the week it didn’t seem like I was keeping ground. Last few days I seem to be doing much better again. However I’ve been up even earlier than usual last few days, it’s about 05:00 it seems last 3 days! Ugh. Hopefully this won’t be a future trend 06:00 is early enough to be up and about it seems to me.
Not Toblerone Cheesecake but still a treat…
2014 -
02.23
In my pursuit to rid myself of the Perils of Microsoft outside of work hours, I’ve just about completely retired the PC. Over the last 12 months I’ve changed my approach to it and only turn it on when necessary. Let’s face it, I’ve not been using Windows for anything other than games at home for several years now. Yes I have a beefy PC, but really I’ve not been using it for much other than games since I started using the Intel Macs. This week I received my most recent addition: 27″ iMac with 256 Gig SSD, Nvidia GTX 780, 32 Gig RAM. Couple that with a 4TB USB 3 external (soon to be Thunderbolt hopefully) and I’ve pretty much given the PC it’s last call.
Basically it’s this year’s treat.
The last couple of years I’ve been busy making the most of the $AU for overseas shopping with regard to Photography Equipment. Now that the $AU is losing it’s ground, I will now be consolidating my Photography skills & techniques with the very good gear I’ve managed to accumulate thanks to the value for money overseas shopping has provided the last couple of years. Hopefully this year I will manage to come up with some solution for my Studio needs, and be getting a few shots into some of the competitions I’ve been watching over the last couple of years. I honestly believe I’m getting to a point where I can submit some work. No doubt I’ll be getting some arse kicking once I start submitting, but sooner or later something positive will come of my efforts. I’ve manage to turn one hobby into a career / income, hopefully I can do it again.
The Glitter of Time…
2014 -
02.23
I had a different sort of photography shoot last weekend, a still life, but something a bit different. My friend Stu brought his Watch Collection up for me to shoot for him. He collects watches (mostly diving it seems), and wanted some shots done to be able to present them to other people who also collect such watches. It was definitely good to have a different type of challenge. He wanted them shot in Natural Light, and it’s amazing how much light can reflect off a watch when you’re trying to photograph one. Surprisingly after a few shots with the Macro on the D7000, and then my D600 with the Tamron 24-70mm it was clear that my Tamron 24-70mm was the lens for the shoot.
Still I learned a trick or two, and although I’ve not finished the post processing yet for him, I feel some good work was achieved, and some new knowledge and skills developed. I’ll get some shots up on Mirrormere in a week or so. Thanks for the chance Stu!
Cool Breeze under my armpits…
2014 -
02.23
Things seem to be coming along well in my journey through the Straits of Depression. I’ve managed to keep my head above water for almost a month now, without a profound bout of Depression. That’s not to say the Depression isn’t lurking at every corner, but at the moment I feel a sense of being able to float above it, not completely out of the depths, but at least if I was in quicksand, I’d be able to feel the breeze under my armpits! So far, with the help of my Psychologist, a Team Leader & Manager at work willing to exercise a bit of flexibility, I’m feeling better about a few things, including work. That’s not to say I’m doing Great! However, my days are noticeably changing. I’m up and out of bed most mornings at 06:00 feeling at least like facing the day and trying to some things done. I’m not quite so settled with the being in bed at 22:00 in the evening, that’s a psychological challenge, but I’m making the effort and clearly there’s benefits.
No, there’s no extension on the house, no there’s no Garage, but at least I’m working towards getting a list of tasks done about the place. In addition I’m starting to enjoy other aspects of life again. My photography is providing me with considerable challenge and enjoyment, and I can honestly say I hope I can turn that into something to give me an income in my later years. There’s a bit of Creative Writing going on again, but I’m not ready to share that yet. I at least am starting to think about the future again, as I’m definitely over IT.
A time when you wonder…
2014 -
02.23
A couple of weeks ago I attended a funeral for a friend. Helen was what I would consider “one of the best of Souls”. She really was one of those people who took you as you were, and always saw the good in you first and foremost. Even though her life had been difficult at best for a significant number of years, her love for those around her, those she cared for, never seemed to waver. I was privileged to know her and count her as a friend. She will be sorely missed. She was not “a celebrity”, she was not a record breaking athlete, a scientist making new breakthroughs. She was a beautiful human being that exemplified what really makes us great as people. The world is less for her having died. I will miss her, and her partner Mick has my full sympathy and help whenever he needs it.
Mythos Phase…
2014 -
02.03
My copy of Miskatonic Horror arrived today. That means I now own every expansion for Arkham Horror that’s available except for the Revised Edition of Curse of the Dark Pharaoh. Although I’d not say it’s necessarily the best game I own, it’s my favourite. Can’t wait until the coming weekend to get it all out on the table!
Just A Point in Time…
2013 -
12.28
Well I’m “psychologically” limping towards a new year, hopefully to make more positive headway in dealing with my Depression. Christmas is passed for another year, and now things will begin to take a more “normal” course for most of us.
I caught up with a few friends I don’t often see, although I make an effort to communicate to most of my friends by email or phone, or even Instant Messaging at least every fortnight. I think I’m quite lucky in some ways (when I’m thinking positively that is), I still have a few good friends from many years ago. I have at least one from my teens that I still see and talk to regularly (now that I’m not being slack).
I still have three or four from my early Twenties too, made during my first stint at University. It doesn’t sound much, but when you have held such friendships well over Thirty years, you can feel that they mean something. I remember being told by a man I admired very much when I was young and he was alive, that “(I)f you have even one friend in your middle age from your childhood then you should feel very lucky. You can also tell yourself you worked hard with that one!”
Not something easy to appreciate to it’s fullness when you’re in your early Teens, but now I feel the truth in that statement. I try to pass that small jewel onto some of my younger friends today, but whether it will stick is something only time can tell. But I’m glad I listened. Friendships do need to be nurtured or they do eventually die of starvation, just like a plant that isn’t cared for, or a house that’s not maintained. There are sometimes ones that are lost through circumstance, you can only do so much each, and there are always factors outside of our control, we don’t live in vacuums. There are myriads of connections between people, like nodes on the internet. We can’t always have the solid connection that others will have, and sometimes things just break and can’t be reconnected. No matter how much effort we make, sometimes things just aren’t meant to have a span past the time they do.
I want all my friends to know that they ARE appreciated. More often than not you are there when I need you, although sometimes you won’t even realise you’ve been needed and come through! 🙂
I’m Not Alone Out There…
2013 -
10.29
Today I saw one of the people I most respect at work, lose it with his Manager. Not in a Machete, blood on the walls sort of thing, but he expressed to his Manager just how he saw it.
What was interesting about this for me was that I’ve always seen this person, whom I consider a friend in addition to a colleague as relatively cool about work. I’ve always had the impression, that he’s relatively “unflappable” at work. I’ve always had the impression that he leaves work at work and goes home to a family and thinks not of work unless he’s paged. I’ve found his advice and reflections very sound and useful. Clearly though by the way in which this all came to a head it was a matter of the straw that broke the Camel’s back. What ensued was approximately 90 minutes of back peddling by the Manager to calm and settle what quickly erupted into a major team dummy spit!
What this reaffirmed for me was that I’m not the only one believing I work for a Circus run by the Lunatics that have escaped from the Asylum! My day had been running a shabby second to anything else, but this did lift my spirits simply by indicating to me I’m not the only one…
A Sieve Full of Sand…
2013 -
10.28
Although I feel I’m making ground with my depression, and definitely feel I’m making some progress towards dealing with the work burnout, it’s still a hard slog.
Work more so at the moment. I’ve been applying for a couple of roles, so far I’ve had one interview which felt quite favourable. At least I know the Resumé is doing the job, and so are the cover letters. If I’m offered the current role I’ve recently interviewed for, and I choose to accept it based on what I know about the conditions, I’ll be taking at the least a $7K pay cut. I hadn’t realised it was costing me so much more to live than when I did the figures a couple of years ago. Well around 2010 actually when I was feeling the pinch after buying the house! Yes I’m willing to take a pay cut to improve my current disposition, but unfortunately there’s to be a bottom line I guess. I guess I can only wait and see if I have to actually make that choice this week.
As regards life external to work, I do feel I’m making ground, albeit slowly. I’ve been waking up AND getting up at about 06:30 each morning including weekends, and making better use of my days. That does now seem to be having a positive effect over the medium term (approximately 6 weeks now). Even though I’m not necessarily taking huge steps, I’m definitely able to see that there’s forward and upward movement. My photography is providing more satisfaction than before, I’m putting more effort into cleaning up the substandard work and leaving myself free to enjoy the better work without dwelling on the poor. Not that it’s bad, but I just want to clean up the unnecessary boring work that provides no springboard for further development. The photography blog has had some more work done on it, although I’ve noticed that some of it’s not displaying correctly: I’ll get to that later in the week. It’s really about me not having had time to read up on how to make best use of the facilities provided by the particular template. Bear with me on that one! It’s good just to having something up and getting there. I’ve also promised Tiggakat that I will get to finishing off her blog and hopefully then she’ll continue to update to keep up the tradition.
On the subject of writing, I’ve also been throwing a few ideas about for the creative writing again, and although I’ve had Ulysses for quite a while, I decided to make the additional purchase of Scrivener and explore both. I actually think I may be able to make use of both. Ulysses Ver. 3.x does appear to have mixed reviews and since I still think it’s Version 2.xx still has the functionality I’m looking for, I will wait and see how the fundamental productivity goes, before thinking I need to have another version quite different.
Lost in Time & Space…
2013 -
10.03
I look and it’s been almost a year since I last updated. No surprise really, this last year’s been fairly terrible for the most part. Nothing in the tragic: no house burned down, flooded out, hit by meteor or other completely earth shattering. Just the slow hard grind of depression. This is such an insidious condition, sapping everything from life day after day after day.
Work has been impacted severely during the last year in particular, although admittedly it’s been seeing the impact for several years now. I’ve come to the realisation though, that there’ve been two major dysfunctions going on for me over the last few years. Firstly and most likely foremost, my Depression. Secondly I’ve come to see that as far as work goes, I’m also suffering from Burn Out. Couple that with depression, and it’s a fairly toxic combination. It might sound strange that I’m experiencing Burn Out AND Depression, but the distinction has become important in trying to combat the deterioration of my work situation. Clearly I’ve been experiencing significant Depression for most of my Teens, and all of my Adult life. For the most part this has not been treated. But over the last year, I’ve been making inroads, albeit slowly! I have achieved some major milestones, as far as certain responsibilities that I’d been ignoring for a few years, i.e. Tax, and debts. I’m certainly not debt free, but I’ve been making some inroads over the last two years, and in particular the last 12 months. Tax is up to date, and I’m still working on the debt situation, moving forward rather than backward. However, although my material situation is settling, my psychological disposition is still “in Flux”.
Hopefully over the next month, I’ll get a few more aspects of life stabilised and achieve some more forward momentum. It’s so difficult to help people who don’t suffer from it (depression) understand how it works, or rather the way things DON’T work! For most people, it’s “just a matter of will”. Unfortunately that approach would never have got me clean and in Recovery, and it certainly doesn’t seem to work for Depression either! There are times I think that I need the Old Furbag to get out of the ground and smack me about again. Tigga doesn’t do a bad job, but she’s yet to develop that true superiority complex that only an “A” Grade Furbag can exercise. Still, she’s working on it, and me. She’ll get there.
Hopefully now I’ll be updating again a bit more frequently. I need to get my writing and photography happening. Speaking of which, I’m configuring my photography blog, and it will be getting it’s first load of content up hopefully this weekend. The blog itself is there, but until the content is on it, I’ll wait before putting the link up here.